Loveless
It was this pain, that crossed his heart every time he heard that voice, saw that face. It was right, that they'd been friends for more than ten years now.
But was it what he really wanted?
Wasn't he allowed to wish for more?
Friendship after all wasn't enough for him.
Every time they would talk about their friendship in interviews, on shows and wherever.
Every time someone asked him for his best friend, he would answer “News no Yamashita Tomohisa“
But it wasn't the entire truth. He wasn't just his best friend, his feelings for the golden boy were more than just that. He had fallen in love with him a long time ago. But he was never able to tell the other, afraid that their friendship would suffer because of it. It was after all the only thing which bound them together. What should he do if this would be destroyed? No, he couldn't say it. He would lock his feelings inside of him and would live without any love other than friendship. Maybe it was really better that way...
But by the years he found Yamapi drifting away from him more and more. He knew they were busy with work, but mentally they seemed to grow apart as well...
„Loveless“, told the TV and brought Toma back to reality. „Yamashita Tomohisa's new solo single, goes on sale at 18.11.2009“
Toma turned his gaze to the TV only to see the PV starting. Toma wanted to switch to another channel, afraid to see Pi's face and deal with the pain. But then he heard the lyrics...
Actually I have sensed it
The reason why you looked down without speaking
It's all because of the "Goodbye" which you could not speak out
Our shadows on the road
Are getting closer and closer, almost overlapping
But why are our hearts growing apart
Facing the you who has found someone new
I couldn't find reasons to hold you back
Why the goodbye
Why the ending
You said these were lies
Even though you've said that
The hands which had let go were getting cold
We are becoming strangers
Why the apologies
Please don't cry
Cause that would lead me to hold you tight again
Among the layers of memories
Before they turned into painful moments
Say goodbye
Let us smile and say goodbye
I can get by on my own
The first time I lied
Hoping to stop your tears
This is really an important matter
Actually I didn't feel like saying
Even though I knew it didn't really matter
I'm the one who wish that you'd find happiness the most
Even if I'm just pretending to be strong
I still wish to thank you who is far away
Even if we break apart
Even if there're regrets
They are still proofs of our encounter
Because it's you
Therefore I always feel that
Our memory is irreplaceable
In order to forget
To get it away from the chest
The seasons which we have passed together
Moving on to the new future
Behind your back
Say goodbye I would like to smile and say the last goodbye
Even before the last vocals of the end had played, Toma was out of his apartment. He had to see him now. He didn't know if he just imagined it. Maybe he totally misunderstood it. But the song said so much... it was like a reflection of his own feelings... could it be?
As he ran and ran, a ray of hope blossomed in his chest. It began to rain, but it didn't matter to Toma. He needed to see him. No matter what.
By the time he arrived at the Jimusho he was totally drowned and freezing. He went inside of the building and asked the receptionist if Yamashita was in. She looked at him confused, probably because he was all wet, but answered that he was in the practice room 2.
Toma was nervous when he stepped into the elevator. Was he really doing the right thing? Maybe he really misunderstood it. But the song.. each line... it was as if Yamashita wanted to tell him something. It could be the answer why he had been avoiding Toma for weeks now. Did he really think that...?,he wondered.
When the elevator arrived on the second floor, he was already shivering. But he took one step after another and just as he stood in front of the practice room, the door opened. The members of NEWS stepped out of the room and greeted him. It was Kei-chan who grabbed him by his arm and drew him a bit apart from the others. “Good that you're here. You better go in there. He's been down all day... we don't know why...“, so he released Toma and gave him a push into the back towards the door.
He entered the room carefully and looked at Pi, who was sitting on the ground of the dance floor. His face showed an expression of sadness. Toma cleared his throat and approached him. At first Yamapi was shocked to see him. Then he got up hastily, greeted him and went past him, avoiding his gaze completely.
Toma couldn't believe it. How could he ignore him like that? „Wait...“, he said with his back to Pi, who was on the door already. He could tell that Pi really stopped walking.
Toma turned around slowly and found Pi, one hand on the door frame, the head tilted to the ground. „Baka!“, said Toma and closed the distance between them, hugging him from behind. He could feel Yamapi's body tensing in his arms.
„Don't do that... if you don't mean it that way...“, he heard Pi's hoarse voice say.
Toma's eyes grew wider at the realization. So he was right, he wasn't mistaken. He slowly turned Pi around in his arms and made him look into his eyes. Pi's eyes were full of concern and sadness. Toma leaned their foreheads against each other. „Baka“,he said again and smiled lovingly. Then he closed the last space between their faces and did what he wanted to do for so long.
As he drew apart he watched Pi, who was staring at him with wide eyes, closely.
„Toma...“, he said, breathless. „Yeah“, answered Toma smiling and kissed him again.
They understood each other without any words, they always had and now, Toma knew, they would also do so in the future.
